“Cluelessly Filled With Clues”
Like you, I live in a age dominated by the Internet. Like many of you, I am employed by a big company. But unlike most of you, I have a mysterious activity that I occupy myself with when I am alone.
For starters, I see things people don’t see. They aren’t ghost or spirits. They are random surreal things or mystical beings.
I started seeing these things without a clue of what it is for and for whatever reason its for . I started seeing them when I was a young teenage boy. And because of the way the world is, influenced by the evolution of the digital age, I knew that these things I see aren’t natural. I considered it to be weird and for that very lone reason, I never told anyone about it.
The first time someone knew I was seeing these things, happened to be someone I never told it to. Instead she told me she knew, that I see these things. This was the first time I verbally spoke about it with someone, it also happened to be that last time I spoke about it with someone. For this whole conversation happened between me and my mother, while she laid on her deathbed in a hospital in Turkey. She told me that ever since I was young she knew, though she never wanted to tell me because she wanted me to depend on myself in figuring out why I see what I see. The last thing she said about this mysterious experience I have been having is that “I should never tell anyone about it, for the right one who should know, will know without being told to. The right one who will know, will only know because they love me enough to see right through me.” That was the last most profound thing my mother told me.
On the day of my mother’s funeral, I stood by her grave and stood still there until the last soil was thrown on her grave. It was also at this very moment, that I decided to no longer disregard the things I see, instead see them as clues to the reason why I see things others don’t see. I decided that moment, that on the first surreal and even mystical thing I see, I will see them as a clue and learn about them.
As soon as I turned around and walked away from my mothers grave, 10 feet away from me I saw a clown, his outfit though isn’t like those modern clowns. His outfit looked more like an outfit you would see clowns wear in a renaissance paiting. He looked at me and joggled 3 balls. He looked at me without an expression and kept joggling those 3 balls, wearing a very weird outfit that only a fool may dare to wear. After a few seconds he disappeared.
The next three days after that, I learned about clowns. I read stories and facts about clowns from the olden times and even clowns that existed in many foreign cultures through the ages. I found myself laughing when I read about them, because I felt like a fool learning about something I could never think to ever even have an interest on.
It wasn’t long, I began to learn about Thoth tarot deck and for some reason I found it amusing that there is a fool in this deck of cards and also in the most common playing deck of cards a clown also existed. It was amusing because the whole experience of learning about clowns and why I ended up learning about clown felt like a joke.
On the third evening I was reading about clowns, I took a break and went to my bathroom. When I opened my bathroom, I saw cards from the playing deck of cards covering my whole bathroom and in the middle of the bathroom a flame ignited and within this flame a phoenix bird emerged. The birds had orange and golden feathers and it was utterly surreal. The bird emerged and when it fully did, it turned it’s head and looked at me. We looked at each other eye to eye, and in a blink an eye, everything disappeared and the space again became my bathroom.
After seeing that I stopped learning and reading about clowns and began to read about the mystical creature, the phoenix.
Many years have passed since I was reading about phoenixes, though I remain to see surreal things and beings. In my own time, I learned and read about these things I see. I saw them as clues to why I am seeing what I am seeing and yet even when I read about them, I still remain clueless about why I see what I see.
Along with the many years that have passed, I have also lived in many different places, cultivated friendships and had a few lovers. Most of the places I lived, I left without the intention to return again, many people who became my friends are living their life in places I’ve never been and a few lovers I thought I saw eye to eye with, are now out of sight.
At work, I communicate with people wearing a uniform and as I wear a uniform like them, I learn to act like everyone else. Though I never identify myself to be like them.
Through all the years and the different episodes of my life, I still remain to see things other people don’t see. And even through the years of studying about these things I see, I still don’t have a clue why I see them.
At some point, when life felt flavorless, I decided to go back to the country where my mother died. I bought a flight to Istanbul when I had the chance to take a break from work. I chooser to return because I wanted to relive the experience when someone knew about my mysterious secret condition. It has always been a great shame that the only time I spoke to someone about this condition, happened to be the last moment I would share with someone who I loved and loves me dearly.
I returned to Turkey not to only relive the experience I had with my mother, but also maybe by coming back, I might not see a clue anymore instead maybe experience and realize something. Realize something that may give me a reason why I see what I see.
On the 4th day I was in Istanbul, I saw poster about an art event. What caught my attention was the big green dragon image on the poster. It was peculiar because it wasn’t red but it was green. It was one of the surreal things I have seen, and what made it even more a surreal experience is that everyone can see this poster.
The art event is to happen in a few days on the 22nd of the month. I took note of the time and the location it will be held in, and intended to visit it in my short vacation.
When the day came for the event, I walked into a big garage in the east side of the city. The crowd was filled with artist and art enthusiasts and the space exhibited many forms of art.
I walked around this huge space and simply looked at many paintings and sculptures. It became an even more interesting experience when I got myself a cup of wine. As the evening was beginning to set in and I could see the orange sunset from the many windows in that place, I was held hostage by a painting.
I stood still and frozen in front of this specific big painting, because in this painting I saw everything that I have been seeing through the years. All these surreal things and mystical beings was presently alive in this painting. There was a clown, a deck of cards, phoenix, orians belt, a shepherds staff, a stone fountain, a blue and white kimono, a big purple eye, a bag of diamonds and even a golden anchor. I was greatly greatly intrigued by this painting and enchanted by the fact that all the random things I see that no one else sees existed in this one painting. It was perfectly complete, nothing more and nothing less.
I was a frozen man with a cup of wine that has become warm. I lost track of time at that moment. I did no longer knew whether I was standing in front of that painting for a minute or an hour. I just simply could not believe this painting could even exist, it’s like someone just read through my mind and was able to perfectly brush it on this canvas.
What broke the ice in this moment I am in, was when someone stood by my right side and lit up a cigarette. The flick of the lighter and the scent of a cigarette smoke took my attention away from the most surreal painting I have ever seen.
I turned to my right side where this someone who is smoking was standing. This someone was a lady wearing a long white dress and floral headband, she had a long brown hair and when she looked at me right in the eye, she said something that made me realize something auspicious “I see you, you see what I see”. I could hardly speak when I looked at her and hear what she just said, I could hardly speak because I was afraid I might say what I was thinking. For what I was thinking is that she is the most surreal being I have ever seen. More surreal than all the things I’ve seen combined, and for the oddest of reason I somehow knew it was her who painted this painting that freeze me in time. And she was the painter of that painting. As time was moving in this moment she was in front of me, there was only one thing I wanted to do and that was to get to know her.
Her art work became the greatest clue, to the mystery I am completely clueless of why has it been occurring in my life. Though her existence is the most surreal of all the clues because she was as human and real as I am.
My mother was right and bless her soul, she was right! Because the one who knows about what I see happened to be someone who loves me and see right through me.
A few years have passed when I stood in front of that painting. Today, I stand next to someone who sees me eye to eye. I am still a clueless man and I still remain to see things other people don’t see, the only difference this time is that there is someone I can share the experience with, someone I can learn about the mysteries of life and at the same time experience the most phenomenal feeling of them all and that is unconditional love.